Introducing (a week late) weekly NFL picks from Jacki's significant other...
Cincinnati at Cleveland
So far this week the Browns have rolled over for the Steelers and traded away their starting quarterback. That leaves them with a rookie leading a bad team the rest of way. Hooray for rebuilding! Cleveland is football’s version of the Big Dig. Bengals -7
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Does any team outplay its ability more than the Tennessee Titans? No. Will Peyton Manning throw even harder without so much weight on his shoulders? I think so. Take the laser, rocket arm. Colts - 7
Houston at Carolina
The Panthers looked good against the Rams, but Houston suddenly has an offense. Andre Johnson looks like one of those Fox Football robots. I like the Panthers to win but the Texans to cover. Texans + 6.5
San Francisco at St. Louis
What happened to the greatest show on turf? They have to rebound this weekend, don’t they? Rams - 3
Green Bay at NY Giants
Let me get this straight: No Eli Manning, no Brandon Jacobs, and the Giants are favored?! Thank you New York media! Giants fans can take heart that Jared “the Pillsbury Throwboy” Lorenzen won’t get hurt. As Rod Beck once said “You can’t pull fat.” Packers +1
Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Everyone is talking up J.P. Losman and the Bills this year. Last week I scoffed, but now I’m wondering. They should at least cover the spread. Bills + 9.5
Atlanta at Jacksonville
My roommate pointed out that Jacksonville is the fattest team in football. Watch them, they totally are. They’ll get winded and the Falcons will come back and cover. Falcons + 10.5
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Jeff Garcia, Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway? Eh. Now that their defense has come down, the Bucs have really gotten boring. I think New Orleans bounces back this week. Saints -3.5
Minnesota at Detroit
When only one team plays defense, that team wins. Minnesota +3
Dallas at Miami
Miami’s tough defense and ugly offense is good for five or six wins this year, but this isn’t one of them. Also, TO accuses everyone around him of being gay and loves wearing tights (only) to practice. I’m just saying... Dallas -3.5
Seattle at Arizona
From the WTF? files: Deion Branch didn’t have a catch last week. Arizona Safety Adrian Wilson is the best player nobody knows. Crown their *sses. Arizona +3
NY Jets at Baltimore
I don’t get this line at all. I’m not sure the Ravens will score 8 points period. Don’t forget that Ray Lewis is out--he tore his tricep dancing out of the tunnel Sunday. I’m surprised he’s never torn his mouth. Jets + 7.5
Oakland at Denver
In case you hadn’t heard, it came out that Bronco's RB Travis Henry has fathered nine children by nine different mothers. I wish they could show condom-related signs on air—you know they’re out there. In the fourth quarter: Wrap this one up, Travis! Raiders +10
Kansas City at Chicago
Provided Rex Grossman doesn’t throw like a blind monkey—which is possible—this will get ugly. A good chance you hear the phrase “nine in the box” when the Bears are on Defense. LJ pouts. Bears -12.5
New England at San Diego
Tom Brady (accurate even in bed!) will struggle against this defense. LT does his scoring on the field. Chargers + 3.5
Jacki’s Lock of the Week ™
Washington at Philadelphia
Philly b/c they make cheesesteaks in Philly, and even though I don't eat red meat, I love cheese. Any team from a city that is known for a sandwich that incorporates cheese in such an artistic manner is totally my favorite. Eagles -7
So far this week the Browns have rolled over for the Steelers and traded away their starting quarterback. That leaves them with a rookie leading a bad team the rest of way. Hooray for rebuilding! Cleveland is football’s version of the Big Dig. Bengals -7
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Does any team outplay its ability more than the Tennessee Titans? No. Will Peyton Manning throw even harder without so much weight on his shoulders? I think so. Take the laser, rocket arm. Colts - 7
Houston at Carolina
The Panthers looked good against the Rams, but Houston suddenly has an offense. Andre Johnson looks like one of those Fox Football robots. I like the Panthers to win but the Texans to cover. Texans + 6.5
San Francisco at St. Louis
What happened to the greatest show on turf? They have to rebound this weekend, don’t they? Rams - 3
Green Bay at NY Giants
Let me get this straight: No Eli Manning, no Brandon Jacobs, and the Giants are favored?! Thank you New York media! Giants fans can take heart that Jared “the Pillsbury Throwboy” Lorenzen won’t get hurt. As Rod Beck once said “You can’t pull fat.” Packers +1
Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Everyone is talking up J.P. Losman and the Bills this year. Last week I scoffed, but now I’m wondering. They should at least cover the spread. Bills + 9.5
Atlanta at Jacksonville
My roommate pointed out that Jacksonville is the fattest team in football. Watch them, they totally are. They’ll get winded and the Falcons will come back and cover. Falcons + 10.5
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Jeff Garcia, Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway? Eh. Now that their defense has come down, the Bucs have really gotten boring. I think New Orleans bounces back this week. Saints -3.5
Minnesota at Detroit
When only one team plays defense, that team wins. Minnesota +3
Dallas at Miami
Miami’s tough defense and ugly offense is good for five or six wins this year, but this isn’t one of them. Also, TO accuses everyone around him of being gay and loves wearing tights (only) to practice. I’m just saying... Dallas -3.5
Seattle at Arizona
From the WTF? files: Deion Branch didn’t have a catch last week. Arizona Safety Adrian Wilson is the best player nobody knows. Crown their *sses. Arizona +3
NY Jets at Baltimore
I don’t get this line at all. I’m not sure the Ravens will score 8 points period. Don’t forget that Ray Lewis is out--he tore his tricep dancing out of the tunnel Sunday. I’m surprised he’s never torn his mouth. Jets + 7.5
Oakland at Denver
In case you hadn’t heard, it came out that Bronco's RB Travis Henry has fathered nine children by nine different mothers. I wish they could show condom-related signs on air—you know they’re out there. In the fourth quarter: Wrap this one up, Travis! Raiders +10
Kansas City at Chicago
Provided Rex Grossman doesn’t throw like a blind monkey—which is possible—this will get ugly. A good chance you hear the phrase “nine in the box” when the Bears are on Defense. LJ pouts. Bears -12.5
New England at San Diego
Tom Brady (accurate even in bed!) will struggle against this defense. LT does his scoring on the field. Chargers + 3.5
Jacki’s Lock of the Week ™
Washington at Philadelphia
Philly b/c they make cheesesteaks in Philly, and even though I don't eat red meat, I love cheese. Any team from a city that is known for a sandwich that incorporates cheese in such an artistic manner is totally my favorite. Eagles -7
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