...

We're heading out of town for a wedding today so posting from this camp will be light until Monday.

But I went to a soiree last night that's good for a story or two. Will share upon return.

Significant Picks: Week4

Your weekly NFL picks from Jacki's significant other...

Last Week: 5-6-4
On the Year: 12-13-5


Chicago at Detroit
The Bears are down at least five defensive starters in this game, and it could be as many as seven (!). Oddsmakers think replacing Rex Grossman with a decent quarterback will make up for it. I don’t. Lions + 3

Oakland at Miami
The Raiders must like playing on the road. Have you ever caught a game in Oakland? It’s like this: barbed wire fences; no view; no frills; there’s a couple of stoned guys playing bongos in the bleachers. It’s the only stadium where the crazies who dress up like wrestlers and Darth Vader and yell the whole time aren’t faking it. Dolphins - 4

Houston at Atlanta
Matt Schaub has even less to throw to with Jacoby Jones out. Ahman Green is banged up. This the safest pick of the week. Falcons + 3

Baltimore at Cleveland
Baltimore takes its overrated show to Cleveland, where the Browns have discovered Offense. By the way, have you seen the Indians lately? That’s my World Series pick. Browns + 4.5

Green Bay at Minnesota
It’s weird that everyone now agrees that the Vikings discovered North America, but we still celebrate Christopher Columbus doing it. Is it because the Vikings landed in Canada and that doesn’t really count? I bet that if they’d found those Viking settlements in Maryland, there’d be a National Viking Day and some big Viking Village out near Gaithersburg with helmet forgers and hair braiders--all kinds of crap. Vikings + 1.5

NY Jets at Buffalo
This is a pick ‘em. Take the home team here. Bills + 3.5

Seattle at San Francisco
I think the Niners are due for one of those inexplicable, unexpected home team offensive explosions. Maybe I’ve had too much coffee. Niners + 2

St. Louis at Dallas
I wanted to pick up Brian Leonard with the last pick in my fantasy draft, but didn’t have room, and when I went to get him this week he was gone. I’m trying to think of how to express this feeling across the gender gap. Maybe it’s like this: two cool pairs of shoes are on sale, but you convince yourself you should only buy one. Then, for days, you think about how great it would be to have the other pair. Finally, when your next payday rolls around, you go back to Macy’s, but they’re gone, and in their place is a bright green pair of Crocs. Rams + 13

Pittsburgh at Arizona
The Pittsburgh machine stalls out on the road. Cardinals + 6

Philadelphia at NY Giants
The Giants actually looked ok last week, but God they mope and whine. They’re like a bunch of ten year olds with really big bodies. Giants + 2.5

San Diego at Kansas City
No matter how bad the chiefs suck, Kansas City is a tough place to play. Chiefs + 12

Denver at Indianapolis
Has anyone been to Indianapolis? What’s it like? I’m thinking the beginning of 28 Days Later. Denver + 9.5

New England at Cincinnati
Have you ever been in one of those booths where money blows around and you grab as much as you can in 30 seconds? That’s how Tom Brady’s going to feel against this Bengal’s defense. Patriots – 7.5


Jacki’s Lock of the Week (except last week!)™ (0-2 on the year!)

Tampa at Carolina
I'm going with the Bucs on this one. Why? Because the Panthers website creeps me out. Really. What is with the charred cats? I get the whole menacing mascot thing, but there's a difference between spooky and scorched. And if anyone knows burnt, it's me. Therefore, Tampa takes it. Bucs + 3

Room for change

There's nothing like a sharp dose of harsh reality to bring everyday life into perspective. I found out this morning that a friend's got cancer. He's the second friend this week. Both seem to have caught theirs early and preliminary prognoses seem good on both counts. That's the upside. The downside's obvious. It's cancer.

I've been thinking a lot lately about age and evolution. I think it's one part approaching birthday, one part career shift, and two parts weddings and babies. Toss in having to go for my 3rd Couric, and you've got a recipe for some serious big picture contemplation.

I'm not wise enough at 30-something to have the answers, but I do know this much. While it's inevitable I'll make some adjustments in the coming months, I can't think of anything offhand I would opt to go back and change. Moving forward, it's got to be about living the mantra - waking up every day and loving what you do. With your time. With your space. With passion.

It's all slightly melodramatic, I know. But now that most of us are beyond the indestructible youth stage and onto the "do you have a good doctor?" stage, I think it becomes even more important to think big and push hard.

(insert immature naughty giggle here)

Sam Walton, So Dreamy

Wal-Mart has apparently—and quite reasonably—concluded that many, many Americans lack even the most basic economics education. And from the looks of things, they’ve spent lots of cashola in a modest, friendly attempt to remedy this.

The ad/site is here. Yes, it’s glossy and corporate; saccharine and hagiographic all at the same time. The choice of indie hipster rock for the soundtrack is an awkward grab. In fact, it’s just the sort of thing that could only be produced in the hothouse environment of a high-powered ad agency: the love child of a Hallmark movie and an episode of Milton Friedman’s Free to Choose.

But here’s the thing. It’s totally right. Sam Walton is right. “If we work together, we’ll raise the standard of living for everyone.” As I sat on my couch the other night, late in the evening, and watched this on my laptop, I got a little misty. Just a little bit. No kidding. And then my wife ridiculed me, which, for reasons I won’t go into, I richly deserved. But I couldn’t help it.

It is so nice, finally, to see a corporation like Wal-Mart—a corporation that has done more for the low-wage earners in this country than just about any other institution—explain just a little bit about the creation of wealth instead of apologizing to activists and hiding in boardrooms. Ah! I think I’ll watch it again.

(photo by The Gonger. Thanks Gonger!)

Driven to drink

I just got home from the DMV. My license expires Tuesday so I couldn't put it off much longer. Plus, I still had a Florida license even though I haven't lived in Florida in about 10 years. I know, I'm an outlaw. A rebel. I live on the edge.

Anyway, this is just one reason why I couldn't renew online. Truth be told, I - the Internet Reporter - didn't know you could. But my mother did. And when she asked why I was bothering with the DMV in person, I didn't know which was more surprising - the fact that the government is technologically savvy enough to allow you to renew online or the fact that my mother knew this was an option and I didn't.

Turns out I had to go to the office regardless - due to my illegal status and whatnot. So after a lovely lunch with my signif, I trekked down to the DMV.

They've got some odd system of letters and numbers, and when you walk in, they hand you a ticket and your estimated wait time. Mine was 1 hour and 11 minutes. All in all, it could have been worse. I did a lot of people watching and waited with pathetic anticipation for my letter/number combo to pop up on the screen. The whole thing did take about an hour and 11 minutes, and I am now the proud owner of a driver's license with what could be the most bizarre license photo ever. I look possessed. I have this odd blank stare that is probably best described as DMV haze. I'm thinking the woman in charge of the photos could have suggested a retake (Seeing as how she had the tall attractive man before me redo his three times until she got one she liked. I kid you not). But she said nothing, and her nonchalance has left me to figure out what to say when people ask when I joined the cult.

Meanwhile, I'm going to console myself with a dirty martini and taunt the poor souls at the Alaska DMV.

Short and speech

Thank you to all the bloggers - left, right, centrist, moderate, and moderately political - who shelved their inherent distaste for the MSM and trusted that Abbi and I would do right by them on live TV.

And the winner is...

My cat's name is Emmy - as in the award. I always say, "Since I probably won't ever win one for the type of work I do, she's my prize."

Tonight, CNN won an Emmy for Election Night 2006. I was part of that coverage. I have won an Emmy.

I'm considering changing my cat's name to Lottery.

Sew what's new?

The only time it bothers me that my readership lingers around zero to none are the days when I've got little to share and an open thread would fill the void.

Olive another

Whoever decided to put olives in alcoholic beverages is a genius.

SATurday

I now own a couch, and I love it. I love it so much I may not leave it all day.

As for the great flooding fridge, it seems there are two settings. Frozen food or deluge. If I turn the knob up to stop the water, everything ices over. And if I turn the knob down to thaw the freeze, a river runs through it.

If my apartment weren't breaking down piece by piece, what would I do with my time?

By the way, it is Yom Kippur today. I haven't observed a Jewish holiday since I was 19. I had a miserable experience on a homestay in England, and it turned me off of organized religion altogether. But, I do think there is something to taking a little time - today or any day - to think about how you can be a better person - a little more patient, a little kinder, a little more giving.

That little could turn out to be a big deal.

When you buy grains, it pours

I just spent more than $100 on fresh groceries, and now my refrigerator is pouring down water on the inside.

Significant Picks: Week 3

Your weekly NFL picks from Jacki's significant other...












I went a perfectly mediocre 7-7-1 last week, which means that if you bet on all my picks, I really, really wasted your time. Sorry about that. But we learned a lot. New England is sickeningly good this year, Cleveland sold its collective souls to Satan, and Rex Grossman does sometimes throw like a blind monkey. Anyway, let’s break .500 this week.

Indianapolis at Houston
Andre Johnson is out, which means Matt Schaub is throwing to Kevin Walter and Jacoby Jones. Who? Exactly. Colts -6

San Diego at Green Bay
AJ Hawk looks like he’s been running into things since he was young. He’s very good at it. I like the Chargers more, but I think this one will be close. Packers + 5.5

Minnesota at Kansas City
The Vikings are good at stopping the run, and the chiefs can’t do anything but run the ball. The Larry Johnson questions start popping up after this game. I’d take the Vikings straight up. Vikings + 3

Detroit at Philadelphia
Eagles fans are in full on boo-their-own-team mode. Here are some Eagle Fan Fun Facts:

To save money, the city built a courthouse and a jail…in the stadium.
They booed Santa Clause.
They cheered when Michael Irvin suffered a career ending injury.
They threw batteries at JD Drew. (Ok, that was Phillies fans, but its just the same drunk people wandering back and forth). Lions + 6

Buffalo at New England
Sixteen points? Sixteen?! I have to pick Buffalo, even though it’s like picking a three-legged horse just to finish. Bills +16

Miami at NYJ
Kellen Clemons looked pretty good at the end of the Ravens game last week. The kid may have something. Jets -3

San Francisco at Pittsburgh
The Steelers just destroyed Buffalo, and this has all the makings of a redux. But nine points is nine points, and the niners aren’t horrible. Niners +9

Arizona at Baltimore
You could make a living picking against the Ravens this year: they’re overrated. The defense misses Adalius Thomas, and hasn’t anyone noticed that Willis McGahee is closer to average than he is good? He’s Frank Gore without the power. Cardinals +8

St. Louis at Tampa Bay
I didn’t think I’d take Tampa Bay and give up points this year, but I’m done with the Rams after they let me down last week. Ronde is the creative Barber twin because he wears bracelets... Bucs -3.5

Jacksonville at Denver
The NFLs fattest team coming to play in the thin air in Denver. That’s good for 4 points right there. Broncos -3.5

Cincinatti at Seattle
The Bengals gave up 51 points to Cleveland last week. Most excitement in Cleveland since their river caught on fire. I don’t think Cinci can recover from that. Take the coffee snobs. Seahawks -3

Cleveland at Oakland
No, no, no. I’m down on the Browns. I refuse to believe in them. Word is that CBS will let Lane Kiffin free from Kid Nation to come coach this one. Raiders -3

Carolina at Atlanta
Gawd. I feel like I’m trying to pick lunch at Long John Silvers here. Carolina…I guess. Can I get hush puppies instead of fries? Carolina -4

NY Giants at Washington
Here’s a list of things that suck more than the Giants right now (PG version): whirlpool; fat kid drinking a milkshake, a remora… Washington -4

Dallas at Chicago
In one of my favorite moments of the week, Donovan McNabb was defending his statement that black quarterbacks are under more pressure than white quarterbacks, when a reporter asked him about Rex Grossman. “Oh, yeah, I forgot about him,” McNabb basically said. Devin Hester is a God, but Dallas +3


Jacki’s Lock of the Week (except last week!)™

Tennessee at New Orleans
Big beats virtuous so I want to go with the Titans over the Saints. But my college team was the Quakers, and that's the least intimidating team name ever. Therefore, it is out of solidarity - and my love of spicy Cajun food - that I'm going with the Saints on this one. Nola, it is. NO - 4.5

Box seat

My couch is here. I'm assuming it's the couch because it's an enormous box that could - if assembled - be a large piece of furniture. I was going to shamelessly bribe the delivery guy to bring it upstairs, but he came alone, and the box was so big that payoff wasn't even an option.

So I am still sitting on the floor. My couch is now sitting in the lobby. And the dubious honor of home delivery defaults to the signif and his friend. Lucky them.

Random: I couldn't find a good image online so you get cat in a box instead.

It's coming!

The couch people called, and they're delivering tomorrow. I have the extremely convenient window of 9am-5pm, but who am I to complain? I'll be here. Celebrating.

In case you're wondering why this is a big deal, here's a primer:


This is my old couch:


This is my current couch:

The power of one

There must have been something in the water about this time last year minus 9 months. It seems almost everyone I know has got a child turning one. In fact, two of my cobloggers make up this key demographic. They can probably - most definitely - explain the experience that is celebrating a one-year-old better than I, but from the perpetual guest's perspective, it seems the key components of a successful soiree include a wearable cake and adult beverages for the parents who've survived with their union intact.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Glamour shot

All went well. I'm back home. Hazy but here.

Speaking of Dazed and Confused, I once wrote a letter to Glamour magazine about Renee Zellweger (stay with me here. there will be a point). They profiled the actress and mentioned she got her start in D&C. I have seen that flick a gabillion times, and not once did Miss Renee make an appearance. Her face isn't in the movie, and her name isn't in the credits. Joey Lauren Adams was in the movie, and she looks a lot like Renee. But it's not Renee. So I felt it was my duty to inform the mag that they'd gotten it wrong. Plus, I like Empire Records too, and that could very well be described as a solid early Renee role. I included that little tidbit in my letter for good measure.

Glamour wrote back. They said that Renee was in D&C but that it was an uncredited bit part. So I watched the movie again. And again, no trace of Renee.

Now even if I missed her "cameo" in the background somewhere, I'm guessing if someone who has seen that movie as often as I have over the years can't find Renee Zellweger anywhere, it's not much of a career-starter role. Heck, if her name's not in the credits, it's not even pretending to be a career-starter role. Me: 1 Glossy mag: 0

This smackdown took place long before the age of the easy Internet search. And today, as I remembered this story, I started googling "Renee Zellweger" and "Dazed and Confused" and found results like this and this. Best I can gather from my unscientific research is that Renee was on the screen for about 2 seconds in the party scene towards the end. Uncredited. Unconfirmed by IMDb. I'm still marginally skeptical.

But let's say D&C was her first film role (and role is really a stretch here). I still say Glamour got it wrong. They should have said it was her first time on film. They should have quantified her appearance. Instead, if I remember correctly, they called it her break.

I was a candystriper in high school, and the local Spanish-language TV station did a profile on our hospital's program. The camera caught me saying hello to a patient and delivering flowers. No one's saying "Jacki got her start in TV as a junior volunteer at South Miami Hospital."

But in the interest of compromise - and because I've been drugged - I'll say maybe the info was good but the writing was poor. I'd be content with calling it a draw.

ImagInation

FishbowlNY found this studio's portfolio of retouched photos online.

While I have no issue with image professionals fixing lighting issues or smoothing out complexions, I am truly disturbed by weight adjustments. Just drag your cursor over the images in the portfolio section (tab up top) to see the before and after changes.

Subconsciously, we all know the pictures we see in magazines are not accurate depictions. But it doesn't stop any of us (or only stops a few of us) from wanting to look like that. Whatever that is for you. A body type. A haircut. A muscle tone.

Most of the celebrities featured here are truly attractive to begin with. Pros should start printing the befores instead. I'm over the afters.

Liquid Lunch (and dinner)

I'm not interested in getting too personal with my blog because frankly, who cares?

But I am having the Katie Couric Special tomorrow morning, and posting will be lighter than usual, I suspect, as I prepare for the fun that is about to ensue.

Since this is not my first time riding this ride, I know exactly what to expect. I have no intentions of sharing those details, but what I will contribute to the greater good is the following sentiment:

Yes, it's annoying. Yes, it's still kind of embarrassing to talk about it. But everyone has had, will have, or should have it done eventually. And the whole process is not as horrifying as you'll imagine it to be.

Ok, the today part is pretty unpleasant, but the alternative of not going through with it is just too risky. So I will be here, lying low with my chicken broth and ginger ale, and I'll post if something interesting (unrelated) strikes my fancy.

Otherwise, more tomorrow afternoon.

Apology Flowers

Yesterday was the first time I felt lame about my blog. It wasn't something I wrote. It was something I didn't write.

I have no delusions of grandeur. I know full well no one's losing sleep over my lack of substantial content.

But you should know that because it was a relatively uneventful quiet Monday, I opted out instead of offering mediocre filler.

And now I feel bad about it.

Happy Monday.

New week. New leak.

Repairman is on his way over to take a look at the underbelly of my tub (not as dirty as it sounds).

The good news is that the apartment is definitely showing signs of improvement. It's starting to apply itself. I think it wants to be a real, live home when it grows up.

A Load of Comcrap

I'm sitting at home (on the floor. still no couch) on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon waiting for the cable guy. Why? Because I ordered cable with DVR, and my DVR doesn't work. Why? Because they gave me the wrong box. When I called customer service, the woman informed me that I should have "done my research" and known that I had to request a "dual tuner box."

Really? Because if you go to the Comcast website, you find this:

Digital Video Recorder

The technology is advanced, but using it is simple. Pause any show on any channel, instantly replay live TV, watch a scene in slow motion, or rewind the show you’ve been watching. Easily record your favorite shows or an entire season, all with the touch or two of a button. And with the built-in dual tuner, you can even watch one channel while recording another. You’ll never have to worry about the hassle of videotapes again!

By the way, my window was 12-3pm. It's after 3pm now, and the cable guy just called for directions. Not that he's lost. He just wanted to know if I was actually at the address I provided and if I was still "having the problem."

Color me baffled.

I saw a little girl bounce to school today. She bounced down the street, up the stairs, and into the building. Happy with a huge smile on her face.

When was the last time you bounced into your day?

I can't believe it's not

Bathroom's done. It DOES look like butter.

I think we thought the color was going to be a lighter shade of yellow. The paint card was lighter. The dollop on the lid was more subtle.

But I'm not going to repaint. I'm going to accessorize. I'll string popcorn and hang a baked potato.

I should totally have my own show. Top Chef meets Extreme Makeover Apartment Edition.

"Home on the Range"

Happy Friday!

In my prime

Well, that went well.

Now that the apartment's been rehabilitated, I'm trying to paint the prison bathroom.

And so far, I'm covered in primer. I look like a bad Jackson Pollock - if Pollock opted for all white and lost his inspiration halfway through. I've got primer on my toes, my ears, my elbows. I'm not one to admit there's something I can't do well, but let's just say if you decided to squat on JackisPrimeandPaint.com, I'm not buying the url back from you anytime soon.

I think primer is like training wheels for paint. You can mess up because it's white. And you know you're going to paint over it anyway so no goof is really that big a deal.

When I was learning to ride a bike, my parents took off the training wheels, and I hit a pole. Head first. I've got the Polavision film to prove it. Your parents show your significant other pictures of your first bath. My parents whip out "Cycling Jacki."

Anyway, assuming this afternoon I take off the training wheels and open the can of Laura Ashley yellow, you'll know how to find me.

I'll be the stick of butter wrapped around the telephone pole.

Have you heard the one about...

I gave up organized religion a long time ago. I think G-d - or whatever higher power you believe in - is very personal, and I subscribe to the "hey, as long as you are good to others and teach your kids to be good to others, whatever gets you through the day is fine by me" school of thought. I was raised Jewish, however. And there are two things I have taken away from that guidance. One - I hyphenate G-d. Don't ask. It just stuck. And two - I have a solid Bat Mitzvah story.

If you've never been to a Bar (his) or Bat (hers) Mitzvah, all you need to know is that in Miami in the 80's it was all about outsnazzing each other. Not the kids. We - at 13 - cared about big hair and frilly dresses and boys. Our parents, on the other hand, took the traditional religious passage into adulthood and turned it into the obvious precursor to My Super Sweet Sixteen.

One friend had breakdancers and a caricature artist. My parents hired a comedian. It wasn't as bad as the 50's doo wop group they flew in for my brother's fiesta two years later (Danny totally got shafted on that one), but in retrospect, it was still an odd choice. I appreciate where they were going with it. It was clever. It was different. But it was so clearly not about me at that point. The glitter and sparkles and baton-twirling theme - me. The nightclub entertainer from Dangerfield's in NYC - not so much me. More the 2-drink minimum demo in the room.

My friends and I sat in a semi-circle around the comedian on the dance floor like little kids waiting for the funny clown to make balloon animals. He started to tell jokes. Edited jokes. For the PG crowd. Which had to be hard enough to begin with. But when the anxious kids turned into bored hecklers, that's when the evening's entertainment realized he had made a horrible mistake.

To his credit, the guy tried really hard to make the best of what turned out to be the worst performance situation of his career. In case you suspect I am exaggerating, I can assure you this is true. I ran into the same comedian years later while I was in college, and he told me the evening did, in fact, suck.

Probably a little for my parents too. See, I'm guessing it's not cheap to fly a guy in from the NY scene and put him up for the weekend in Miami. They'd like to know at the very least they are getting their money's worth. But I had a crush on a boy. And since the boy's mom was coming to get him early, Captain Comedian had to cut it short so I could dance before the boy bailed. Seriously. I was 13. Buh-bye expensive entertainment. Hello awkward barely touching slow dance with crush of the week. Priorities.

I know today is the start of the Jewish New Year (I know because I got a card), and the Day of Atonement is still about 10 days out (correction: 7 days. See, I have no clue). But to Wayne Cotter and my parents - I'm sorry. I know you were just trying to bring a little grown-up laughter into my sparkly 13-yr-old pepto-bismol pink baton-twirling extravaganza. It bombed, but it was a valiant effort. And I am sure at the time, you poured a couple of drinks, toasted your new little woman, and said, "She'll appreciate this someday."

I do. Very much so. It's a great memory. Thank you.

Significant Picks: Week 2

Introducing (a week late) weekly NFL picks from Jacki's significant other...

Cincinnati at Cleveland
So far this week the Browns have rolled over for the Steelers and traded away their starting quarterback. That leaves them with a rookie leading a bad team the rest of way. Hooray for rebuilding! Cleveland is football’s version of the Big Dig. Bengals -7

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Does any team outplay its ability more than the Tennessee Titans? No. Will Peyton Manning throw even harder without so much weight on his shoulders? I think so. Take the laser, rocket arm. Colts - 7

Houston at Carolina
The Panthers looked good against the Rams, but Houston suddenly has an offense. Andre Johnson looks like one of those Fox Football robots. I like the Panthers to win but the Texans to cover. Texans + 6.5

San Francisco at St. Louis
What happened to the greatest show on turf? They have to rebound this weekend, don’t they? Rams - 3

Green Bay at NY Giants
Let me get this straight: No Eli Manning, no Brandon Jacobs, and the Giants are favored?! Thank you New York media! Giants fans can take heart that Jared “the Pillsbury Throwboy” Lorenzen won’t get hurt. As Rod Beck once said “You can’t pull fat.” Packers +1

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Everyone is talking up J.P. Losman and the Bills this year. Last week I scoffed, but now I’m wondering. They should at least cover the spread. Bills + 9.5

Atlanta at Jacksonville
My roommate pointed out that Jacksonville is the fattest team in football. Watch them, they totally are. They’ll get winded and the Falcons will come back and cover. Falcons + 10.5

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Jeff Garcia, Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway? Eh. Now that their defense has come down, the Bucs have really gotten boring. I think New Orleans bounces back this week. Saints -3.5

Minnesota at Detroit
When only one team plays defense, that team wins. Minnesota +3

Dallas at Miami
Miami’s tough defense and ugly offense is good for five or six wins this year, but this isn’t one of them. Also, TO accuses everyone around him of being gay and loves wearing tights (only) to practice. I’m just saying... Dallas -3.5

Seattle at Arizona
From the WTF? files: Deion Branch didn’t have a catch last week. Arizona Safety Adrian Wilson is the best player nobody knows. Crown their *sses. Arizona +3

NY Jets at Baltimore
I don’t get this line at all. I’m not sure the Ravens will score 8 points period. Don’t forget that Ray Lewis is out--he tore his tricep dancing out of the tunnel Sunday. I’m surprised he’s never torn his mouth. Jets + 7.5

Oakland at Denver
In case you hadn’t heard, it came out that Bronco's RB Travis Henry has fathered nine children by nine different mothers. I wish they could show condom-related signs on air—you know they’re out there. In the fourth quarter: Wrap this one up, Travis! Raiders +10

Kansas City at Chicago
Provided Rex Grossman doesn’t throw like a blind monkey—which is possible—this will get ugly. A good chance you hear the phrase “nine in the box” when the Bears are on Defense. LJ pouts. Bears -12.5

New England at San Diego
Tom Brady (accurate even in bed!) will struggle against this defense. LT does his scoring on the field. Chargers + 3.5


Jacki’s Lock of the Week ™

Washington at Philadelphia
Philly b/c they make cheesesteaks in Philly, and even though I don't eat red meat, I love cheese. Any team from a city that is known for a sandwich that incorporates cheese in such an artistic manner is totally my favorite. Eagles -7

Home sweet home

The clothes dryer just went off, and I thought someone was at the door.

Maybe I should be spending a little more time at home. You know, getting used to the noises.

The good news is I did take a shower here last night. A real one. Where the water comes down. All together. In the same direction. That's progress.

The apartment is looking much better today too. The crew is still working on it, and I still don't have a couch. But I do have a new kitchen counter and faucet, and I can close the bathroom door. They fixed the hole in the ceiling above the entryway and exorcised the demons from my electrical wiring. I've got two working air conditioners and windows that close. Nevermind the ominous sound of incessant banging, constant drilling, dropped tools, and crumbling plaster. It's like Christmas come early.

Did I mention the repairmen talk to each other in what I think is Polish? So I don't have a sense of how it's going. I did just hear an "aye yaye yaye" which I'm pretending is Polish for "Wow, I cannot believe how perfectly all these repairs are coming together."

And I could be wrong, but I think "sh*t!" is totally Polish for "This job could not be easier. What will we do with all the free time we are going to have this afternoon?"

Yup, all's good in the Dream House.

I'm not going to do a long 9/11 post today. It's too much right now.

There is a story to be told of that day. We all have a story, and mine is neither more nor less important than anyone else's. I was in NYC. It was rough. It still makes me anxious to think about it.

It doesn't feel like it's been 6 years. I think it's fitting that it's overcast today. You should look through this if you haven't.

Here's what I will contribute today:

When I left CNN, a lot of really terrific people emailed and called to say a lot of really nice things. It made everything that went down a little easier to swallow. And I thought, "Why do we wait for some definitive moment to tell people how we really feel about them?"

It may be a little cliche to suggest - especially on 9/11 - but maybe it is worth saying something nice to someone today. Maybe something you wouldn't normally share because it seems a little out of place in the absence of a trigger.

Wouldn't it be nice for that sentiment NOT to be too late?

It's 11:11. That's my wish.

Army of Fun

Morning. Repairman just showed up with his crew of peeps. They all seem very nice, and he seems totally on it. The best part so far though - demonstrating the great wiring conundrum in the bathroom. Picture it. Electrician holding the outlet. I hand him my hairdryer. He plugs it in. I turn it on. The lights come on. Laughter erupts. All four men. Hysterical.

I don't speak Polish (I think they are Polish), but I am pretty sure I understood something that sounded a lot like "I have no clue."

Should be a fun day. Updates as warranted.

Update: A large white door-sized object just went floating down the stairs. I think it was my kitchen counter. I probably shouldn't be watching. It's a little disconcerting.

Need a fix?

Repairman called. He's coming tomorrow morning. Apparently, he got the ok from my landlord to fix everything except the bathroom floor. This is most excellent news.

Juvenile Image Analysis: Ok, I know the *poof* is supposed to represent running, but doesn't it look like the handyman's got gas?

Yes, I'm four.

Phil of Sh*t

Being home during the day exposes you to some pretty horrific television programming. Not having cable makes it downright toxic.

Take Dr. Phil, for example. Apparently, today is the start of his new season - 6th? really? who let that happen? - and he's ANSWERING THE CALL OF THE PEOPLE. You've emailed. You've asked for it. You want Dr. Phil on the scene. You want Dr. Phil tackling the big stories of the day as they happen. You want Dr. Phil to tell you how to talk to your kids. You want Dr. Phil to explain what's really going on in the world. That may be what you want. What you need are friends and a hobby.

He's calling this fluff (philler?) Dr. Phil Now - with a logo that looks a heck of a lot like the "Now That's What I Call Music" franchise. He's got producers in the field (in the studio next door) and a big shiny second set where he will go to be all newsy-like if there's a veryimportantstory he must tackle at a moment's notice. I can't wait.

Now, I wouldn't dare pretend to get all high and mighty when it comes to the crap I opt to watch in my downtime because anyone who knows me knows I consume a fair share of reality programming. And we all know The Hills and Rock of Love aren't expanding my horizons. They're empty calories. But you know what makes them better than Dr. Phil in my mind? They are exactly what they say they are. Entertainment. Mindless vacant turn-your-brain-off-and-let-it-float-a-little entertainment. Bret Michaels isn't saving anyone. I don't need Heidi and Spencer's take on the world. Dr. Phil is alright if his affected, self-important, state-the-obvious, pseudo analysis fills that void for you. If he's your guilty pleasure, fine by me.

It's just when Dr. Phil pretends to be the foremost expert on all things ever, claiming he's expanding his reach because you need him to tell you how to think, feel, breathe, and interpret your life, the world, the news that my skin starts to crawl.

Now, that's what I call bullsh*t.

Four letter word for NOT YOURS

This conversation most likely did not happen:

Neighbor A: Look, someone ordered the NYT delivered to their home.

Neighbor B: It was not me. Was it you, Neighbor A?

Neighbor A: It was not me. Since it was probably not Neighbor C who is clearly out of town this weekend, it must be the newspaper fairy who just randomly drops off expensive weekend editions to people who may want them but don't pay for them.

Neighbor B: Must be. Happy reading.

Why steal my paper? Why?

UPDATE: Apologies if my sarcastic reenactment is confusing.

Someone took my Sunday paper. It ticked me off. End of story.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle Whip

Food, of course, belongs in my mouth and in the mouths of others. But is there a moral dimension lurking here? Is factory food an aesthetic abomination? And therefore an ethical morass? A crime against the Earth? Lately, I’ve been thinking about Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: a Year of Food Life, by Barabara Kingsolver (author, also, of The Poisonwood Bible, which I found to be well-written and also irritating). The book details her family’s decision to inhabit a farm in rural Virginia and eat nothing but locally grown, organic food (with a few exceptions) for one year. Do they see this as an ethical imperative? I don’t know, because I didn’t read the book, but I would guess that they probably do. And why wouldn’t they? I mean, processed food . . . blech! Anyway, in light of this provocative statement by Kingsolver, I wanted to suggest a few lesser-known albeit engaging books that belong on the same shelf as Kingsolver’s bold (so I’ve heard) AVM:AYOFL. All of them insist on a more sophisticated, purposeful engagement with the food we choose to eat. Enjoy!

Beet: My Year in the Red, by Serge Ionatsos. A witty, freewheeling, and deeply literary account of Ionatsos’s year spent eating nothing but 100% organic beets. Writes Ionatsos, “Almost from the start, my poop turned the darkest and deepest of reds. My toilet bowl would bloom in the most glorious way almost daily. Is this, I wondered, then, how God intended our issue in its purest form? One day, I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a ladle. . .”

Travels with a Grape, by Destiny DeSalba. Manhattan native and self-described “überfoodie,” Destiny DeSalba wanted to know just how well-traveled food gets from here to there. So she packed up her notebook and a suitcase and journeyed to the grape orchards of California. Once there, she chose a single grape as her traveling companion and accompanied her grape from the fertile fields of California to a Food Lion in rural Virginia. She writes, bracingly, of her experiences with unfriendly migrant workers, hiding in cramped produce trucks, and being hit on by railroad security. Along the way, she emphasizes the responsibility we all have to know exactly where you food came from before we eat it.

What’s the Matter with Poor People, by David Hathaway-Worthington. Heirloom tomatoes and organic potatoes are far healthier than processed factory food, argues Hathaway-Worthington. So why won’t poor people eat them? Why are they always going to McDonald’s? Food advocate, Hathaway Worthington exposes, brilliantly, the political-industrial propaganda machine that keeps organic food out of poor America’s kitchens.

The History of the Great Irish Famine of 1847, by John O’Rourke. In this rather slim volume, O’Rourke packs in a wealth of details about the life of the noble Irish farmers of 19^th century. Things may have been hard for them at times, but they never lost their connection to their land and their local food. Except for those who emigrated. Or died.

Friends don't let friends dial drained

Good news. I sold my couch on Craigslist. I'm going to get the cash today, but the guy can't move the sofa until Sunday when he's got his truck. No biggie except I am taking off today for the weekend. My landlord would prefer not to spend his last weekend of freedom (before his firstborn arrives on Wednesday) waiting for some guy to get my couch. Totally understood. So I am trying to find a solution. I've got a friend willing to take my old keys and let the buyer in, but she lives a little farther away than like, say, my neighbor. My thought was - call the neighbor and ask him to let couchman in on Sunday. He's there anyway.

I hunt though my phone for Steve's number. I find it and hit send. And when he picks up, we start chatting. He explains he's in Baltimore but should be back on Sunday. I explain my dilemma and how it would be easier to leave my keys with him since he is just next door. Next door? He's confused. It's then I realize, I CALLED THE WRONG STEVE!

Wrong Steve is someone I haven't spoken to in 6 months. We've had no need to speak. I'm actually not even sure why his number's still in my phone. Awkward!

We do the appropriate thing for a totally inappropriate moment and make unnecessary small talk. Just enough small talk to move into the zone where it's ok to say goodbye. There's an empty offer of "hey we should hang out sometime" which neither of us plans to do. Or wants to do for that matter.

Turns out Right Steve is listed in my phone under his last name. Clever me.

I clearly need a vacation. Color me fried. Back Monday. Have a good weekend.

The Diagnosis

The handyman came by this morning to survey the damage. There were a lot of "hmmmm"s and a couple of "that's not good"s. He seemed most concerned with the haunted electrical wiring in the bathroom and the mysterious white powder emanating from my a/c. I think his exact words were, "Wow. That's a lot."

Next step: He takes his evaluation to the landlord and sees how much he can get the ok to repair. I'm wagering it'll be a solid 70 percent.

iSucka!

Not sure I even have a right to be mad. I feel a little bit like a sucker for covering the launch of Apple's new iTouch iPod. But I'm sure I don't feel like as much of a sucker as the suckers who paid $600 for the 8 GB iPhone two months ago, only to hear that Steve Jobs is cutting the price by $200. Makes you wonder how sales of the iPhone are going if they have to chop the price like that. ***LATE BREAKING NEWS*** Apple is giving a $100 store credit to any of the iSucka's who paid full price for their iPhone before the price drop. THIS IS MARKETING! WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT IT? Because Apple has caused a seismic cultural shift. Their new iPhone Touch downloads video directly from YouTube. It's wireless and has a touch screen, Apple has sold 100 MILLION iPods of various incarnations since the first one came available in the fall of 2001. 100 MILLION in 6 years. It took Sony 13 years to sell 100 MILLION Walkmans. Apple is a phenomenon....and I guess we have to talk about it a lot. Tomorrow morning I am going to talk about how Apple must have heard me saying that all the iSucka's must be pissed (can I say "pissed" on a blog?) about the deep discount. Those iPods have a lot of Chinese parts in them, you know. I hope there's no lead paint in or on them.

Buy low, sell high.

V Money.

Speaking of blow

I'm in a NYC emergency room on Halloween 2001. In a foggy state of consciousness, I hear the following:

Nurse on phone: Sir, you found what? On a what?

Silence

Nurse on phone: Um, I don't think the white substance on the rolled up dollar bill is anthrax, sir.

True story. G-d I miss NYC.

This blows

The window a/c unit in my bedroom is now scattering a suspicious white substance all over my furniture.

Prison Chic

No mugshot a la Paris or Lindsay or Nicole, but I am totally rocking the jailhouse decor.

Everything including the kitchen sink

It's official. The apartment is officially falling apart. Today's discovery: the kitchen sink is leaking. Not the sink itself but the underbelly of the counter that's attached to the sink. It's soaked through and falling off in small pieces.

I did speak to the landlord - who is in Poland btw (you can't make this stuff up) - and he did agree to send someone by to fix the issues. But how many problems does it take to cross the line from tolerable to uninhabitable? When does it become best just to walk away?

I wonder if you can euthanize an apartment. Someone should put this place out of its misery.

I got served

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Readership of my blog currently stands at IFM (immediate family members) and friends I love like family. One of those friends perused my "Welcome to hell" post and felt my creative license left out a key detail. She's right. I did not mean to imply that my signif and I were without assistance this weekend. In fact, we had the help of some incredible people. My apartment would still be a lovely shade of yellowish dirt if it were not for the friend who helped paint. I owe a huge debt of gratitude and the naming of my firstborn (or next pet) to my signif's brother and his best friend who are not only freakishly strong but also patient and reassuring in times of great stress.

And then there's the signif who not only carried my stuff but also carried me through the weekend. There are no words.

So to all those who may have felt slighted by any omission in my previous accounting of the weekend's festivities, I apologize. I couldn't have done it without you.

Interesting development

There are two ways to turn on my bathroom light.

1. Flip the on/off switch

or

2. Plug something into the outlet below the light switch. Even if the switch is off, the light comes on.

I am pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.

Welcome to hell

I don't know if you remember this classic from the duo of Long and Hanks about a couple who buy a fixer-upper and hijinks ensue. This is how my signif and I spent our Labor Day Weekend. Not watching the flick. Coping with my new rental.

Let's not get into how I couldn't get my couch up the stairs because the passageway's too narrow. Or how we had to pull the box spring up and over the third floor balcony for the same reason. That's nothing compared to the soft, damp hole forming in the entryway ceiling. It's directly underneath where the refrigerator sits at the top of the stairs.

You can't close the bathroom door because the wood frame is too damaged to hold a metal fixture in place. A window air-conditioner in the living room has been leaking through the wall for what appears to be years. Years. There is so much water damage already that brown sludge seeped through a fresh coat of paint the minute we rolled it on.

We have re-painted the apartment ourselves. Most of it. Except the bathroom. Ah, the bathroom.

The fact that the door won't close is the least of the problems. We could talk about the corroded and peeling wallpaper that stripped off in chunks and then needed to be scraped clean. The now-mottled prison concrete walls are already an aesthetic improvement. The plan is to prime and paint, but we haven't gotten there yet. The floor tiles aren't just divorcing each other, they're clearly taking space from the wall. The ones that aren't missing large pieces, that is. Those can't be saved. There's a clawfoot tub that I love, but the shower contraption hanging over the tub is a sight to be seen. It's a series of pipes pulling out of the wall and held together with duct tape. Oh, I SO wish I were kidding. The "shower" is clearly going through a rebellious phase. What should be a downward spray is more of a free-spirited celebration of water dispersion. We tried to replace the showerhead, but that sucker is caulked on with some sort of super adhesive. It won't budge. Our cart at Lowe's was so packed with supplies and replacement parts that the store associate said, "You two need to find a new place to live." You think?

Now, the good part is this is a rental. So while it's totally my problem, it's ultimately not going to be my money. And I am on the verge of just cutting my losses, hiring a moving company, and finding a new place that's less of a project. I took a risk on potential. Who knew this place was the dwelling equivalent of the rowdy kid that gets taped to his chair? There's just so much you can see when someone's stuff is in the space. Apparently, I missed a lot.

But we'll see what the landlord says. Hopefully, he cares enough about the property to make some changes that will pay off in the long run. I'm a great tenant, if I do say so myself, so he's guaranteed the place will be taken care of once it's rehabilitated.

Until then, I will sit on the floor in my couchless living room, think about how showering is entirely overrated, and pray the fridge doesn't come crashing through the entryway ceiling in the next 48 hours.

Fingers crossed.